Ask Hungary
by Alix Cohen
Summary: A simple request for mail leads to international intrigue. Rated M for France and other yaoi. Now complete!
1. Introduction

Dear Ms. Hungary,

Guess what? I've been getting letters from human girls! I guess they really do like me…ve…

Anyway, I've been having fun writing to them, and I was wondering if you get letters like I do, and who writes to you, and what they've been saying! Ve…it's so fun to get mail, isn't it?

Amore,

Italy

Dear Italy,

You know, I haven't gotten much mail in a while. But I did see online when you asked people to send you letters, and I suppose it would work for me too. Thanks for the idea!

Hungary

Hello everyone! Italy's just brought to my attention that I haven't been getting many letters lately. Being the EU president for the next few months will be hard work, but that doesn't mean I don't have time to answer them. Ask me any question, and I'll answer you in my free time. I look forward to hearing from you!

Hungary

**A/N:** I'd prefer you wrote in as the Nations, tho I'll happily take letters from humans as well. Hungary and I are excited to get your letters!


	2. Israel 1

**A/N:** Letter from Israel by katzsoa. And don't forget to visit her history-of-Israel fic while you're at it. :)

Disclaimer: I don't own the Hetalia characters, and I'm only going to say it once. This Israel belongs to katzsoa.

_Shalom, Hungary,_

_I never spent much time in Europe in the past, so I was not present for much of your early history (and when I was, I was usually imprisoned or otherwise occupied. But that's something else entirely.). ANYWAY: Every time that I see you referenced among the human fans, it usually involves something about a "frying pan". Where on Earth does this come from? What does the president of_  
_the European Union have to do with a kitchen utensil?_

_Shalom,_

_Hadassah bat Abraham v'Sarah_

_(a.k.a. Israel)_

Dear Israel,

Thank you so much for your letter. I'm honored that you've taken time out of your busy schedule to write to me. I have to say I admire your strength as a nation. To have lived so long, and through so much, and kept your sense of humor ("otherwise occupied"?) through it all—this is something I respect.

The frying pan—now, that's an interesting story. When I was a child, I thought I was a boy because none of the other countries around me were girls. When I started growing up, though, I decided that I had to act the way European people expect women to act—meek, quiet, helpful. Then, one night, I was visited by a messenger from God who told me to hit France on the head with a frying pan. I wasn't sure if I should—God doesn't tell you to hurt people, right?—until I found France outside my Austria's window, wishing he were French territory. Ever since then, the frying pan has been my defense of choice against stupidity.

I hope this clears things up for you.

Peace,

Hungary

PS Is there anyone you want me to hit on the head?


	3. Romano 1

_Dear Hungary,_

I just want you to know that I've had way more letters from girls than that vapid idiot _Feliciano__! Besides that I don't have too much to say... I never thought about it until now, but I might as well continue on for a little bit... Well, Feliciano talks about you a lot, so I guess you must be nice and you're really pretty too, am I right?_

Sorry, I can't resist flirting with pretty girls. I'm supposed to ask you questions though, right? Alright, here's a couple. Why is _Spain__ such a bastard? Why does Veneziano like that potato sucker better than me? Why is Spain friends with __France__? Why does he take that perverted son of a ***'s ADVICE? Why does Veneziano like that pota- Oh, I already said that. Why is he such an idiot? I swear it's not a family thing. Why does he get hit on more than I do? Why can he paint better than I can...? WHY WON'T MY TOMATOES GROW!_

...Sorry. Anyways, I can't think of anything else to say...Thanks. Ciao.

Romano, 

Romano,

First, while my new censorship laws are still being debated, I'd like to say that you and Spain make a _very_ cute couple. The problem here, naturally, is France. Next time you see the two of them together, tell France that Austria looks lonely. (I'll be waiting, armed.)

As for your brother, he and Germany have a very pleasant history together. Germany rescued Veneziano from Egypt, from France, from England…and really, Romano, let's be honest. Veneziano respects your affection for Spain (and he thinks you're cute together too); I think you should be a little more charitable towards his friendship with Germany.

And why he gets hit on more than you—I'm going to be perfectly frank, Romano. He really is a much more accepting person than you are. He's completely at home in his own skin (and sometimes in nothing else), and he's trusting. He takes people as they are, including himself. These things make him attractive.

Finally, your tomatoes. My guess is that they're not growing because of climate change. Which nobody can talk America and China into doing anything reasonable about, so why don't you take it up with them?

You're welcome,

Hungary


	4. Romano 2

_Ciao Hungary,_

First, let me ask you something...Although I'm very glad we think similarily about that French rapist, just how exactly did you warp my question around to make it seem like I was talking about a RELATIONSHIP with that BASTARD SPAIN! CUTE! Mi scusi, but are you completely insane?

Moving on to what you said about my brother; isn't it obvious that just about everyone has saved him from something or other before! Do you know the countless amount of times I've saved him from his own stupidity! And wh-what is this bullshit about "affection for Spain"? I-I have no idea what you mean! Cute again, really!

So, am I supposed to believe that because Veneziano is too stupid to ever put up his guard, he enjoys being nude too much, and he's as gullible as hell, he is a more attractive person than I am!...That's just... sad.

The tomato thing was more something I had to let out than an actual question. I can make my tomatoes grow no matter what those self-absorbed egotists do, grazie.

Well, I suppose that's it... Um, I don't know if this is something we have to keep doing now that we've started exchanging letters, but if it's not... I wouldn't mind maybe doing it anyway... if it's okay. I don't have too many people to talk to who aren't complete idiots, so it will be refreshing sending letters to you.

Grazie, ciao.

Romano

p.s. Tell Austria, Veneziano thinks his food tastes like horseshit, but doesn't have the backbone to say it

Romano,

Admit it: Veneziano isn't the one without the backbone to say what he thinks. He complained about Austria's food when we all lived in the same house. Complained a lot.

Yes, maybe he never puts his guard up. But you never let your guard down. Honestly, you're more uptight than my Austria. Whose guard I have centuries of practice getting past.

You need to relax, accept yourself more, and let people get close to you. Your instinct to bite the head off anyone who tries to be nice tends to push people away.

And if the path towards becoming more relaxed and self-accepting involves you getting naked, I heartily approve.

See you, ;-)

Hungary

PS If you do in fact find my honesty refreshing, then I would enjoy hearing from you again.


	5. Regina 1

**A/N:** Letter is from cross-over-lover232 as human Regina.

_Dear Miss Hungary,_

my name is Regina and i live in America. I am hoping you will respond to this letter considering you are one of the few female nations out there. I was wondering would you marry gilbert aka prussia, instead of _austria__? I think he insults you so he can see you get all fired up like in a battle, i dont think he likes the froufrou lady like person you turned into, and i think you would make a great couple with him! also i sent along some chocolate since its valentines day. What sort of traditions do you have in your nation?_

love,

Regina

Dear Regina,

Thank you so much for your letter. It's nice to know people are listening. And thank you for the delicious chocolate.

Valentine's Day wasn't a holiday in my home until the 1980s, so we celebrate it much like you do in America, except less frantically. I spent a very pleasant evening at home with Austria.

As for Prussia…I don't think that I could ever really be happy with Prussia. He doesn't respect me enough. And God knows I'm no "froufrou lady." I tried to be meek, when I first found out I was a woman, but it didn't last any longer than hitting France on the head with a frying pan. Now, I'm a warrior again, and proud of it. If Prussia likes to see me "all fired up," he's probably a masochist.

Happy holiday,

Hungary


	6. Hawaii

**A/N:** Letter from SilverairAPH as Hawaii

_Aloha Hungary:_

Uh, _France__ is constantly flirting with me, I needed someone with a pan to help me, so I came to you._

I'm one of the children of America, so I'm not actually recognized as a nation. And I still don't know why I keep getting invited to meetings.

Hope you can help me!

See you at the next meeting,

_Hawaii___

P.S. I saw _Bulgaria__ looking at your butt with a weird grin on his face. Eww!_

Dear Hawaii,

Leave France to me. I'm already giving him a lump for Romano—I'll make that two. (grins) And thanks for the warning about Bulgaria. I'll keep an eye open, and the frying pan ready.

Hmm…you used to be a kingdom, before America adopted you. Maybe someone forgot to update the mailing list. I can talk to Belgium about that, unless you want to keep coming to meetings.

See you,

Hungary


	7. Prussia

_Kesessesse~ Hallo Hungary~_

_Happy Valentine's Day__. I've got something special for you. I'll give you a hint. It involves you, me and a bed~_

All in all, I think you should abandon that pansy for the awesome me. Say, what are you doing on _Valentine's Day__?_

Kesessesse~

Prussia.

Hello Prussia.

I've got something special for you. It involves you, me, and a frying pan.

What did I do for Valentine's Day? Let's see…Austria and I had a lovely dinner, we listened to a concert on the radio, and we went to bed. Together. There's my hint for you.

All in all, I recognize that there is a man in this world who both understands me and respects me. I also recognize that he is not you.

Hungary


	8. America

_Hi __Hungary__!_

I just wanted to say that I'm not dating

_Britain__. And those photos Matt gave you were photoshopped. Really, it's kinda creepy, you know? It would be like dating my dad or something. And once again, they were photoshopped. Photoshopped._

_The Hero__, America_

Dear America,

Which photos are you referring to? Oh yes, I remember. My mysterious New Year present. I didn't realize your…friend Matt was so skilled with Photoshop. And I don't know…I think Britain's tattoo looks pretty realistic.

Keep up the good work!

Hungary

**A/N:** If you have hours to kill (and you do; thank you for spending them here), go here next: http:/ tvtropes. org/ pmwiki/ pmwiki. php/ Main/ SuspiciouslySpecificDenial

Also, poor Canada. But I bet Hungary can see him when he's talking to her.


	9. Regina 2

_Dear Miss Hungary,_

i am glad you are a fighter, lord knows kids like me need someone they can look at and say "hey its ok to beat on a boy if he decides to be an utter pig!" otherwise they will trample all over us! and i suppose prussia might not respect you enough, but at least he still does care about you as a friend. Did you hang out with him after his nation status was taken away? I think that was cruel of them to do, i think he hangs around because people are still proud of their prussian blood lines, what do you think?

love,

Regina

_PS: whats a masochist?_

Dear Regina,

Prussia's people must be very proud of their bloodlines. I know because he's so full of himself.

No, I didn't spend time with Prussia once he wasn't a nation; by that time, I was already married to Austria. And you know, I really can't be friends with someone who doesn't respect me, who's only scared of me. I have culture, and Austria knows that. Prussia only cares about getting his own kicks—look at the letter he sent me! He must really enjoy getting hit on the head. Which is what "masochist" means, by the way: someone who really enjoys feeling pain.

Stay strong,

Hungary


	10. Israel 2 and Egypt

_Shalom again, __Hungary__,_

There are so many nations that should get a good whack on the noggin... Oy, your offer's tempting! So tempting...but I can't accept! It's taken me this long to convince this much of the world that I'm not some violence-supporting psychopath who's creating Apartheid in the Middle East! I treat _West Bank and Gaza__ very well, thank you very much! And it's __Iran__ who's threatening ME, not the other way around! Oy gevalt..._

Sorry. I just have to vent sometimes. I'm under a lot of stress, with the protests in _Egypt and all__... Now that his boss has been kicked out, I'm worried about who might step up in his place. Egypt and me, we were like siblings once upon a time, when I first came to live in his mother's palace. If he gets a boss who hates my people... I don't know. Any advice?_

Shalom,

Israel

Israel,

If you want me to beat some sense into Iran, it'll be my fault, not yours. ;-) Of course, it may have to wait until July, when my term as President is up.

And I can't say I know what you're going through as a Nation, but I do have a substantial Jewish population, and they feel for you.

By the way, something that might cheer you up: I got a letter yesterday from Egypt that I think you'll find reassuring.

Shalom,

Hungary

_Hungary:_

Economy is crap. Protesters driving me insane. Lost my boss. Worried about potential new boss. Don't want to hurt Israel, but I may have to. She's a good girl. Keeps crazy brother _Gaza__ in line. I like her._

Why did America drive my people to this with his talk of democracy? Took him hundreds of years to become democratic. We have different histories.

Egypt

Dear Egypt,

Thank you so much for your letter. I wish the best for you, and for Israel, and really, this whole situation is a mess.

America's not so bad right now…his last boss was pushing democracy on everybody. But I think he's stepped back a little. Your people seem to want democracy now. I pray it works out for the best.

Salaam,

Hungary

**A/N: **There is also a small Muslim community in Hungary as well. So she knows "salaam."


	11. France 1, Tuesday

**A/N:** Letter from Karen Elaine DuLay as France

_Ahhh, __ma cher__Hungary__._

It is I, _France__! I was wondering if you might be interested in dinner later~? Ah, do not bring out the frying pan, ma belle, you know I am joking!_

But there is a certain matter I wish to discuss with you. Due to your own interests in the subject of l'amour between men, I was wondering if perhaps you might be willing to aid me in a small matter? You see, despite my best attempts, I am still unable to convince a certain _Englishman__ to submit to my French charms. Now, I shall not name any names, but I would be most obliged if you could advise me in how to pursue this Englishman, perhaps even whisper a __few words of encouragement__ in his ear? Should you agree to help, I am all too willing to give you the videos of the past few April Fool's Days concerning  
me and your lovely ex-husband (who would make wonderful French territory)._

Bonjour!

France

France,

First thing: Don't annex my husband. I don't think he'd be able to tolerate you constantly. Neither would I.

Second: You'll have to do better than that. If I remember correctly,_ I_ was the one who made those tapes, and then gave _you_ copies so you could work on your technique.

Let me see…how about this. If I help you get England into your gaudy canopy bed, you'll make sure the cameras on the bedposts are recording. Have we got a deal? *reaches behind back for frying pan* Good. We'll meet in Brussels on Thursday for coffee.

Hungary


	12. India

**A/N:** Letter from Friendly Kitty as India

_Dear Hungary,_

The strangest thing just happened. America came over to me and said how he's worried that some terrorists are gonna provoke me. At first I thought he was just scaring me, but he had a serious look on his face. I'm starting to get scared now. What should I do?

_India_

Dear India,

Occasionally America has his head up his ass, but this is not one of those times. You know what your neighbors are like, right?

America tried to explain this to me once. After I lost track of his ego trip, I'd come up with something like this: if Afghanistan's fragile government breaks down, the terrorists can take control and threaten Pakistan. They'll either get Pakistan's weapons, or force him to use them; either would lead to a nuclear war between you and him. Which nobody wants. (And we as Nations should be very aware of that.)

So, here's what I recommend: Count your nukes carefully, and keep an eye to the west. And keep documenting your citizens; it helps a _lot_.

Good luck,

Hungary


	13. France 2, Thursday

_Ah, __Hungary__, ma amie,_

Thursday was lovely, I must say. Although, I am still most pained by the numerous hits I received from your _frying pan__. Also, Prussia is refusing to lend me his cameras-perhaps you could work on that for me?_

And as for the videos-are you sure? Hmm...I am rather foggy on where they are from. Should I offer the videos of me and Mathieu? Or of Mathieu and Ivan? Or perhaps Alfred and Ivan? They are from before my cameras were stolen-you know how parties at my house can be~.

I look forward to your aid, cherie!

The indescribably sexy France.

France,

We made a deal. I told you what I wanted in exchange for my help: a tape of the results. If I'm going to help you, you won't try to back out at the last minute. And if Prussia won't give you his cameras, I'm sure you want this badly enough to buy new ones from somewhere else. China's video quality is improving, and his prices aren't bad.

Please don't try to come out on top of this one. In any sense. It won't end well.

See you on Monday for Phase One.

Hungary


	14. India 2 and British Virgin Islands

_Dear Hungary,_

Thanks for the advice. I've been really protective as soon as I finished reading your letter. I'll espessialy keep an eye on _Afghanistan__, __Belarus __style. XD_

Anyways, thank you :3

-_India_

India,

I don't know that Belarus is the right metaphor here. We want to keep Afghanistan mentally stable, right? Watch them at the next World Meeting—Russia is intensely afraid of his sister. Stay strong, yes, but be yourself.

Much love,

Hungary

_Hello, __Hungary___

You helped out my cousin, now you can help me...I think.

I'm the _British Virgin Islands__ (Trinity Raven). I have this problem with __Romania__. He shot me once, Do you have any advice or ideas to get him to leave me alone?_

~Trinity

Dear Trinity,

I can take care of him for you this time. But in the future, you have to be a bit more careful. Nonstick frying pans are pretty good at deflecting bullets (long story); but the most important thing is to stay alert. What was Romania doing anywhere near you anyway?

Hungary


	15. France 3, Monday

_Hungary__,_

YOU WERE RIGHT! IT WORKED! Ah, la belle madame de la poele a frire que peux teur, ENGLAND HAS AGREED TO DINNER! I have everything planned for a romantic meal already! Do you think he will enjoy chicken? And some of that wine I've been saving since...well, since the _Middle Ages__, when we were last together?_

_Ahh, I can hardly waaaaaait! My heart is bursting with excitement! I must go and reserve a restaurant for the night! There is a lovely place with a wonderful view of the __Eiffel Tower__ that I intend to clear specially for our date __on Wednesday__!_

Ami, _France__._

France,

First. BREATHE. You can't seduce him if you're hyperventilating. (At least, I don't think you can. I'll have to watch my tapes of you and Canada again to be sure.)

I'm sure he'll enjoy whatever you've got cooked up for him. But please, _restrain yourself_. Remember how much effort it took today to get him to even agree to dinner, and don't get too excited too soon. And whatever you do, DO NOT refer to the Eiffel Tower in anything but an architectural sense.

This means a lot to you, right? Don't screw it up.

Hungary


	16. Israel 3

_Hungary__,_

Thank you so much for posting that letter from _Egypt__! I had no idea... I thought that he was happy with what was going on in his country. He's not the type to talk about what he thinks. He's always been that way. Frankly, I'm surprised that he wrote to you at all..._

Anyway. I'm writing because of him, actually. I called him after reading that letter, which was a task in itself because of how spotty his phone lines are at the moment, and we agreed to meet somewhere, for old time's sake, to get away from all the stress of today... The problem is, neither of us could think  
of somewhere to go! His place is out, as is mine, because neither of that would be getting away, right? And I can hardly think of anywhere in Eurasia or the Americas without remembering all I've been...

Sorry. Basically, where's a place that the both of us can just relax and be happy for a while?

Please write back if you think of anywhere!

Shalom,

_Israel_

Israel—

I'm glad you and Egypt are still getting along! It's nice to know that, after millennia of history, Nations can still be friends. A lesson for the world.

Might I suggest you pay Finland a visit? Your mutual history has been the most positive that I can think of. His weather isn't the best, but he's never been cold to you. (I would be careful of his husband though—Sweden's people are less inclined to be kind to yours in this decade.)

All the best,

Hungary


	17. Alaska and Canada

_Dear Hungary,_

Hey! _Alaska__ here!_

I've sorta got a problem on my hands... _Russia__ has been pushing for me to 'Become One with Him' and junk, and it's sorta freaky. Not to mention how much __Belarus__ is hating on me... If it wasn't for Russia's... 'infatuation', I'm sure we'd be great friends._

Also, have you seen _Canada__ lately? My wolf pup, Silver, plays with Mr. Kumajiro often, but Matthew's not around as much as before... I hope he's not spending all this time with __Cuba__... do you think I should give him a lesson or two about leaving poor Mr. Kumajiro all alone? 3_

Also, Pops (America) said that if I bought him and Tony another horror movie (I'm thinking Yaoi D should scare the crap outta him) that I could come to the next meeting! :D

The (unfortunately) Freezing,

Alaska

Dear Alaska,

You, dear child, have a very powerful weapon. Its name is Sarah Palin. Don't let the lady waste her abilities by running for your father's presidency; I recommend you sic her on Russia. Her lack of common sense will so horrify him that he will be unwilling to _ever_ ask an American state to become one with him. (And Belarus will have someone new to hate.)

Canada…Canada…oh yeah, the kid who's so good with Photoshop. America's brother. No, I haven't seen him lately, but I'm sure he's right where Mr. Kumajiro left him. Next time Mr. Kumajiro gets hungry, follow him and you'll find Canada.

Stay warm,

Hungary

PS I found this in my mailbox this morning. It's signed "Canada."

_Dear Hungary,_

Hi! It's _Canada__! Okay, I'm going to give you a few seconds to figure out who I am..._

Did you figure it out yet?

If not, I shall explain! I'm America's brother, the country north of the United States. You see, nobody recognizes me. I mean really, _Russia__ sat on me at a meeting once... He didn't even notice I was there... And that makes me sad. And if people actually notice me, they think I'm America and start yelling at me for stuff he did!_

So... I was just wondering... Any advice for getting noticed and not being mistaken for your brother?

Sincerely,

Canada (A.K.A. Matthew Williams)

Canada…yes, I remember you. You were at France's Christmas party. _He_ seemed to notice you.

I don't think it's that people don't recognize you. France seems to, Prussia seems to; America's daughter Alaska even wrote me a letter asking where you are. That's a start.

For the rest, I think you need to be more assertive. Dress distinctively, and work on projecting your voice so people can hear you better. Austria can teach you that; it's a music thing. Second, your protest of "Buy American" policies seems to be working; keep it up for as long as they last.

Third: kick your brother's ass in hockey. It _is_ your national pastime, after all.

Good luck,

Hungary


	18. England 1, Tuesday

_Hungary__,_

Get that bloody frog away from me.

_England_

Mr. England,

Please understand that what you're asking is not in my best interests, or in yours. "That bloody frog" and I are taking actions that will result in your becoming more comfortable with who you are, by causing you to accept the history that you share with him.

All Freud aside, you really do need to get laid. And if I get some fun out of it, so much the better.

Till we meet again,

Hungary


	19. Austria 1

_Hungary__,_

Congratulations on a smooth start to your EU presidency. I'm very proud of you.

_Prussia__ has been glaring at me more than usual. Has anything happened to set him off? And someone told America that Germany wasn't the only __Central Power__ in WWI. He now believes that we have plans to remarry and, God forbid, start WWIII. As a matter of fact, he's been out of sorts for several days now. When I saw him this morning, all he seemed to be able to say was "__England__", "__France__", and "dinner date"._

Love,

_Austria___

P.S. The anniversary of Holy Rome's disappearance is approaching. _Germany__ and I are going to keep Italy company. I think it'd help if you came too._

Dearest Austria,

Thank you so much for your letter. I'm glad the last month and a half has gone so smoothly.

Who gave America a history lesson? As Alexander Pope, the English poet, once said, a little learning is a dangerous thing. (He needs more history lessons now, it seems.)

It shouldn't be any mystery to you, love, why Prussia is so upset. Another Valentine's Day has come and gone, and I chose to spend it with you instead of with him. Yet another of us needs a lover to distract him from everyday life…

Speaking of which, I was wondering whether I could prevail upon you to help me with a project. It has to do with that dinner that America's worried about. Would you be free to play in Paris tomorrow night?

Love,

Hungary

PS Regarding Italy—it would be lovely to have the family back together on Friday, especially to keep him cheerful. Lord knows we all need it.


	20. England 2 and Russia

_Hungary__,_

I'm not going to "get laid" with that damn wine freak! He doesn't attract me, so why should I? If you're insistant on me sleeping with someone, would you at least be rational about your choice? Even if I get over all that, it's still that damn frog! Even... even AMERICA would be a better choice!

England

England,

Let's be rational about this. First, how can anyone not be attracted to France? I prefer watching him over participating, but still.

Second, you've already agreed to have dinner with France, and you're a gentleman who keeps his promises. Also, I have France's word that he'll behave himself.

Third, think of the implications for peace within the European Union! A most laudable goal, if I do say so myself.

See you tomorrow,

Hungary

_Hungary,_

Have you considered being One with _Russia__ again? The __Cold War__ is over, but you can still crawl back to Mother Russia just like __Lithuania__._

Russia

Russia,

In case you didn't notice, your territories are crawling _away_ from you. All three Baltics have joined the EU, and how can you forget the party France threw for Estonia's adoption of the euro?

Anyway, I have a lot of important things to do this season, and so far, none of them involve alliances.

And I've been in the Soviet Union. Josef Stalin can kiss my ass.

[unsigned]

**A/N:** Wow, Hungary's got a lot of anger. But you would too, if you knew Stalin.

France's party for Estonia was particularly lavish, and it was crashed by Russia, who was drunk and trying to kidnap the Baltics. Details in "Eesti's New Year." Enjoy!


	21. Austria 2

_Hungary__,_

Ah, _Valentine's Day__. I never knew a holiday could be so... enjoyable. I suppose __Prussia__ would be upset. You are [here several words are scratched out] well, there's no one like you. And Prussia does need to be more respectful and cultured if he is to go beyond drunken rendezvous._

And, I suppose it wouldn't be any trouble to play in Paris tomorrow night, as long as _France__ is wooing someone other than me._

Love,

Austria

Dear Austria,

Thank you so much for helping me! I'm sure tomorrow will be a (qualified) success.

Love you too,

Hungary

PS When I have free time, we need to do something about Russia.


	22. Israel 4

_Dear Hungary,_

Thanks for the suggestion! The day went well...until the very end. We were having dinner in a restaurant and talking about doing this again sometime, when all of a sudden Prussia stumbles in. I think he was drunk. He takes one look at _Egypt__ and me and bursts into that creepy laughter of his (You know the one. It's not as bad as Russia's—G-d knows I heard enough of THAT during the pogroms—but it's still a bit eerie). Then he starts yowling irately about how everyone's got dates except for him, knocks over a table, and runs back outside._

Side note: This was NOT a date. When I was really little, Egypt was basically my big brother. Him and me…That would just be weird! Besides, I don't have the time or energy to spend on romance.

We tried to laugh it off, but it sort of put a damper on our evening. After I got home, I started thinking about the letters you've been responding to. I don't think it's Austria and _Germany__ who we should be worried about starting World War Three. If Prussia gets upset enough…Well, I don't know much about how he handles stuff, because I haven't had to deal with him much, but I'd advise caution._

This is why I say that I don't have time or energy to spend on romance. One little date between _France__ and England fuels one nation's fury and puts another out of action? This stuff is dangerous!_

Shalom, hopefully for us all,

_Israel_

Dear Israel,

Good to know about Prussia. I'm always keeping half an eye on him, and he fears the skillet. *grins* He'd have to have nuclear capability to start a world war, though, and I doubt Germany will give him that. India is also being watchful of loose cannons. (And in terms of world wars, both Austria and Germany have learned important lessons.)

And I'm so glad your day with Egypt went well! This makes me hopeful for good things in your region *knocks on wood*

It's kind of sad, not having the energy for a relationship. I'm going to go with France on this one. Maybe I'll ask Canada to pay you a visit when this all cools down…if you don't mind Canada, that is.

Peace,

Hungary


	23. Alaska 2 and Austria 3, Wednesday

_Dear Hungary,_

I can't belive I didn't think of that! I've stayed away from Palin, having Silver around and all. Anyways, I think that's perfect! If you ask me, she's scarier than _Belarus__! (And to think she's one of my people... I mean, I could see this from Cali, but not really from me...)_

Oh, I saw Canada yesterday when I was walking Silver. He said he had been there, but I just didn't notice him. I hope he's not hurt... Now I feel guilty about it all...

The (slowly) Warming Up,

_Alaska___

P.S. Showed Pops the yaoi. I'm betting it'll take Toni a week to get him outta' the closet.

Dear Alaska,

He's in the _closet_? After watching _yaoi_? Hahahaha…be _very_ careful what you say to him about it. Why does he get scared so easily anyway?

I'm glad Canada's still around. Don't feel guilty about not noticing him; you're learning how. I'm learning how. I think we all just need some time to sit back and _notice_ things. (And you can tell your father I said that.)

And as for Palin…we may need to roll her out soon. I think Russia's on the move…

Don't warm up too fast.

Hungary

_Dear Hungary,_

I hope it goes well. If France refrains from vulgarity, that will be a miracle in itself.

What has _Russia__ been doing? I won't let him take you again! Not that you can't take care of yourself, of course..._

Love,

Austria

My dear,

I very much appreciate the sentiment. (And we survived him, didn't we?) But I _am_, as we speak, taking extra precautions. You know that vapid American woman, Sarah Palin? (God, I'm ashamed to be of the same sex as her.) Anyway, I've found a purpose for her: she comes from Alaska, the American state closest to Russia, and I suggested to Alaska that she use Palin as a weapon against Russia. Think it'll work?

And speaking of working, good luck tonight! I'll be behind the scenes.

Love,

Hungary


	24. France 4

_Hungary,_

I am writing you this brief note while I scramble about making preparations for tonight. There is not much time, and I have had to pause twice already to yell at someone for not cleaning properly. Cannot wait for _England__ to arrive! Please tell me __Austria__ won't get lost on the way to the restaurant-he's terrible with directions, but refuses to accept this. Have ordered entire place cleared so it'll be just me and England tonight. Please give me the best of wishes!_

_France_

France,

I will personally escort Austria to the restaurant, so no chance of him getting lost; and I'll wait in the kitchen so that nobody does anything stupid. And you know how they say that God helps those who help themselves; "best wishes" only works if you make it work.

So no hitting on the waiters, no hitting on the pianist, and keep the dirty jokes to a minimum. And keep it at the front of your brain that you _really_ want this to succeed.

Let's not screw it up,

Hungary


	25. Taiwan and England 3

_Dear Hungary,_

I've been having problems with larger nations invading my island. I'm too small to fight all of them off. _China__ and __Japan__ say it's just a phase and it'll go away…what do you think?_

With love,

_Taiwan_

Dear Taiwan,

It happens. You're the most democratic part of China; you have technology they want…that's capitalism. I sometimes wish it didn't have to be this way…but then I remember when I was a Communist. *shudder* Not going back to that.

I think they'll get tired of it eventually. By the way, how are things going with you and China?

Much love,

Hungary

_Hungary__,_

As a gentleman, I have no choice but to go. Make sure that blasted wine-freak knows this is only by obligation, because if he makes even the SLIGHTEST comment to suggest it is more, I will take EVERY BLOODY PHOTO OF HIM AND AMERICA'S BROTHER and post them on Facebook. INCLUDING the ones Japan took the last few times he and _France__ went out drinking._

_England_

England,

I'm so glad you've begun to see things our way. Ooh, and you've given me a most delicious conflict of interest: who does France make the better yaoi with, you or Canada?

We'll see what happens. Have a good evening!

Hungary

PS When did Canada, Japan, and France go out together?


	26. India 3

_Dear Hungary,_

Yeah I kinda didn't know what I was thinking...I was too distracted by the TV...(I still act like a kid at times XD)

Well, anyways I was texting _Poland__ and he sent some weird text acronyms. Can you help me translate them? These are the words (?) Poland put:_

IYKWIM, DYHAB, GOI, & JW

That's about it. Anyways, bye! :D

-_India_

Dear India,

Thanks to the magic of the Internet, here's what I've come up with:

IYKWIM is "If you know what I mean"

DYHAB is "Do you have a boyfriend?"

GOI stands for a lot of things, but the one that's most like Poland is "Get over it"

JW is "Just Wondering"

And I have to ask: what are you doing texting with Poland?


	27. Taiwan 2 and India 4

_Hungary__,_

_China__ and I are well, thank you. China's still upset that Japan and the others never stop by to visit anymore. It's sad actually-it feels like the whole family is torn apart, but we're trying to overcome it._

As for the _Communists__, I never had them since before __World War 2__ when China gave me my independence, its rather annoying to have these people invade my home._

With love,

Taiwan

Taiwan,

It's a strange sort of family we Nations have. All the friendships we have, all the love we've ever got for each other, comes in second place to what our people want. But as long as you've got allies, you're never completely lonely.

Stay strong,

Hungary

_Hungary__,_

Well I was about to check up on My cows and then _Poland__ just started texting me (he's trying to set me up with one of my neighbors, and he's so gonna pay my phone bill) and I didn't want to be rude but then after he was FINALLY done, my cows were all gone._

Oh, and _China__ might come and visit ^^_

Oh, and please do not worry about me. America's thinking of a way to protect me so I'm safe (4 now).

-India

Dear India,

America is protecting you, but China is coming to visit? Remember that their relationship is fragile; they've been fighting over China's currency, but I think they've worked that one out…maybe…

And don't worry about being rude to Poland. The point of a text is that you can wait and answer it later; in this case, the cows were more important. Did you find all of them? (And which neighbor, if I may ask?)

Hungary


	28. England et al, Thursday

_Hungary__,  
That! Bloody! FROG!  
Of COURSE he'd order something like that!  
I can't read the blasted menu because it's in French, so he decides to order for me.  
Well, at the very least, now I CAN say I'm allergic to frogs.  
Keep that bumbling French fool away from me, for the sake of my sanity and his life.  
__England_

Mr. England,

I apologize on behalf of my client for the physical and emotional damage he has caused to you. He did not inform me of his menu selections. However, I feel the need to remind you that since my client is, as you have so eloquently put it, a horny bastard, and since he is undoubtedly feeling jilted as a result of your actions, he will quite probably seek pleasure elsewhere. And, since I am currently in his employ, I am obligated to play an advisory role in this search.

I recommend that you keep abreast of further developments.

Hungary

PS Are you still going to post those pictures?

_Hungary__,  
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I thought it was going fine...I thought it might be like it was before...but...but...WHY AM I SUCH A FOOL? How could I do something so, so, so STUPID! Ahh, but you were there, were you not? Tell me, how can I make it up to __England__? Could you speak to him on my behalf?  
Pourquoi? POURQUOI?  
__France_

France,

First thing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Do it again. You're not going to win anyone's heart by moaning like that. But I'm glad you're taking responsibility for this one; that's a step in the right direction.

Second, you could have been smarter about your choice of side dishes. Mister Fish And Chips is not likely to be enticed by frog legs. And he wasn't, as far as I could hear. And your suggestions about what to do _after_ dinner probably didn't help.

Third…I've just gotten a letter from England…at this point, I don't think there's anything you can do to make it up to him...Not directly, at least. But I have a new plan. How would you like to take a more roundabout approach? *grin*How does a weekend in historic Budapest sound?

Hungary

_Hungary,_

Woah, dude, mind filling me in? I saw Iggy today, he was totally pissd off and his face was all red! Like he had been rolling in _poison ivy__ or something! He kept muttering about you and __France__, and I haven't heard such colorful vocabulary in a while. He wasn't even drunk or hung over this time! What is going on?_

America

America,

Tonight we learned that England is allergic to frog. Literally—France ordered it for him, and it went badly. France is also incapable of being tactful with significant amounts of testosterone in his blood. The details of the evening, however, are confidential.

But I know a way in which you can ease your curiosity. On Saturday I will be holding a dinner, and I would be very happy if you attended.

Hope to see you this weekend,

Hungary

_Dear Hungary__,_

Have I ever told you how much I love your deviousness? Quite frankly, I am glad that I do not live anywhere near America or _Alaska__._

Well, _France__ screwed it up. Perhaps he should get some help. Remember that group I took you to when your yaoi obsession had taken over your life?_

Love,

_Austria_

My dear Austria,

Do you know what the best thing about that support group was? It didn't cure me completely *grins*

And thank you. I very much enjoy being devious. So much so, in fact, that my plan to temporarily unite France and England is entering its final phase. Remember the composers' dinner I'm hosting on Saturday in Budapest? I have come up with a way to get France, England, and America all there together. And you, my love, will be conducting an impromptu orchestra, safely out of harm's way, if all goes well. I pray it does; otherwise I will have to crack some heads.

But before that comes Italy's night. I shall see you, and him and Germany, tomorrow in Venice.

Love,

Hungary


	29. Denmark and Israel 5

_dear __hungary__, plz can you take at least 2 videos of __norway__ doing naughty things so i c an post o n the internet hehehe...  
- d__enmark_

Denmark,

Maybe when you're sober. In the meantime, here is a link to the Prussia-cam.

Hungary

_Dear Hungary,_

_It seems that you are more interested in the prospective videos you could gain from the whole France/England business. I fail to see the appeal in filming nations during their sexual relations for later viewing. If you would explain?_

[the following was crossed out, but is still readable: _You'll "ask Canada to pay me a visit when this all cools down"? I'm searching my house for cameras. You better not make me your next pleasure video!_]

_Just...explain. Please._

_Israel_

Dear Israel,

It's just a hobby I have. Bit of an obsession, really… We all have our kinks, little things that make the progression of history more bearable. Also, mine gives me some power over my male neighbors, since I have both means and motive to photograph them at their most vulnerable moments.

As for you and Canada, I wasn't suggesting anything erotic. I never spy on female nations. I do, however, feel like you two would be good at listening to each other, since you are both so often shouted down by the rest of the world.

Peace,

Hungary


	30. Austria, America, England Friday

_My dear __Hungary__,  
I wasn't expecting them to cure you. Although your hobby is... inappropriate, I love you for who you are and am just grateful you can keep it at a manageable level.  
I shall see you on our night with __Italy__. Afterwards, I shall have to inspect the orchestra you put together. It will take days. Perhaps you know a place I could sleep while I'm in... well, you?  
Love,  
__Austria_

Dearest,

A fine Austrian gentleman, making such jokes? One would think that you were the one who needed to be cured. ;-)

And of course you can stay with me while you're in town! The orchestra _will_ be _here_, you know…and the party is tomorrow night. I had almost forgotten it in the rush of planning that France was doing…When we leave Venice tomorrow morning, we will go straight to Budapest to set up.

Love,

your Hungary

PS When we get to my house, I must enter first, for your safety. We will already have a visitor…all part of the plan.

_Hungary__,_

_Woah, __Iggy__'s allergic to frog? Is that even possible?_

_That dinner must've been pretty bad. Iggy came over to my place today. Dude got himself drunk and ended up bawling his eyes out and falling asleep on me! Then again, that could just be Iggy... But he didn't even throw books at me! He's seriously weird lately! I mean, he even stopped hitting me! _

_Dinner where? Of course, a hero never turns down an invitation! Just tell me it's at a McDonalds. =D _

_America_

America,

Even a man has moods; as a nation of over three hundred million people, you should recognize it. ;-) But seriously. He's been through a lot in the last two thousand years…be happy that he has begun to trust you again.

I have a suggestion that might cheer him up: why not bring him to my dinner tomorrow night? At my place, it's considered rude to come to this kind of party alone. And heroes try not to be rude, right?

See you tomorrow,

Hungary

PS There will be hamburgers.

_Hungary__,_

_It wouldn't be as satisfactory as either of us hoped; at this point, nothing will quell the hate I feel for that imbecile. As for you, unless you want to see that wine freak being topped by a Canadian in a frilly dress, I doubt it's worth either of our time. _

_That "search" had best STAY elsewhere; I have fixed Busby's Chair and am fully prepared to put it to use, should the need arise. More specifically, should __France__ come within 10 miles of me. I have had it with that CREATURE._

_England_

England,

Wait a minute. Canada on top? Of FRANCE? This I _have_ to see; never mind the frilly dress!

And don't worry, you won't be seeing France for some time. Meanwhile, I have invited America to a party I am hosting on Saturday night. I'm telling you this so that it doesn't surprise you when he asks if you have plans. It would make him very happy if you were to attend. There will be no frogs at the party, edible or otherwise.

Hope to see you,

Hungary


	31. Austria 6

_Darling,  
I assure you, the double-entendre was unintentional, but you do not seem to mind it. Perhaps you have influenced me just a little?  
Very well, I shall stay with you. Just please do not tell me the visitor is __Prussia__. I see enough of him at my house and at Germany's as it is.  
Love,  
Austria_

Dear Austria,

I can promise you that our visitor is not Prussia. I don't even let him past my border, let alone into my house. If he does manage to get in… (swings frying pan) Still, I recommend that you be very careful if you have to pass the spare bedrooms.

And I am pleased by the prospect that, after all our centuries together, you will finally admit that I have rubbed off on you!

See you tonight,

your Hungary


	32. America 4 and England 6

_Hungary,_

I know he has moods! It's IGGY! Iggy always has moods! But he's never THAT bad! O~O

Wait, really? You really think he's getting over it? ...Duuuude...

A hero is NEVER rude. _Rudeness__ isn't heroic. You think it'll cheer him up? Say no more! Let the hero take care of it! :D_

PS: Hamburgers = epic win

America

America,

Well, he certainly trusts you more than most European nations I can think of. Including me, at the moment. And yes, I think it'll cheer him up.

See you tomorrow,

Hungary

_Hungary__,_

Well, you've created quite an emotional mess of me. You and that wine freak both. If you want those pictures, ask that blasted frog. He has copies somewhere. I sold mine to _Prussia__._

America just came over asking if I was going to that "dinner" of yours; declaring, actually, as none of it was worded as a question. Something along the lines of, "you're grumpy so we're going out later."

However, this "dinner" of yours; after the last dinner, I'm not sure if I'll even go. I haven't agreed to anything YET. This seems like a very, very BAD idea...

If that bloody French wanker IS actually at that party, I assure you, your combined attempts to "unite" me with him will become a bloodbath. In MANY senses of the word.

England

PS: Not to get off topic, but speaking of Prussia, what on Earth happened between you two? The very mention of your name and he's cringing in the corner. The bloke's terrified!

England,

I'm sorry for all the distress I've caused you these last two weeks. I'm going to try to make it up to you by making the dinner this weekend an unforgettable experience. I mean that in a positive way; you and America will enjoy yourselves immensely.

I really do hope you come. It would make me feel better about all of this. I've learned my lesson about entering into contracts with France.

As for Prussia…what were you doing talking to Prussia about me?

I look forward to hearing all about it tomorrow night.

Hungary


	33. Italy and Austria 7, Saturday

_Ms. Hungary!_

_Thanks for hanging out with me last night! It was so nice to see you and __Austria __again, he even played the songs I requested. He may be grumpy, but he's alright. Oh, and thanks for making sure I sat next to __Germany__. He's my best friend, you know?_

_Love,_

_Italy_

_P.S. I sent you some pasta!_

Dear Italy,

You're very welcome. I do so enjoy spending time with you; we don't do it enough. And the Nocturne in E flat is my favorite too.

I'm so glad you have a friend like Germany to look out for you…I wish I had had someone to watch over me as a child…but then again, if I had, I wouldn't have met you or Austria! It's wonderful to have such a family.

Much love,

Hungary

PS Thank you very much for the pasta. It was delicious!

_Dear Hungary__,_

_Well, after all this time, you'd have to have influenced me a little. And I will make sure to be very careful around your spare bedrooms. No doubt you hope to get __France__ and England in bed tonight._

_Love,_

_Austria_

My dear Austria,

You know me too well, love. Tonight everything I have been working on for the last two weeks comes together, with cameras rolling.

By the way, thank you so much for the music you played last night. Italy and I do so love the Nocturnes…they remind me of many wonderful eighteenth-century evenings.

Love always,

Hungary


	34. Sunday morning

_Hungary,_

_Urgh... my head hurts... What the bloody hell happened? I woke up between America and that... FROG... I don't even want to know. They'll get theirs when I've rid myself of this blasted migraine... Really, though; why WERE you involved in this?_

_England_

England,

Remember how I said I learned an important lesson about doing business with France? The payoff is nice, but it's too risky. Not to mention that it somehow left my house open to invasion…

Don't worry about it. Shit, as America likes to say, happens. Thank you, by the way, for coming to my party. You were an excellent guest, up to about the third glass. After that, you were extremely entertaining.

Hungary

_Hungary,_

_Dude... that was... wow._

_I just... with France... and IGGY..._

_Was that a dream? Dude, it's gotta be. Even as drunk as he was, there's no way Iggy would do that...right? Right?_

_I'm... emotionally confused. Mind helping me out here?_

_*Sigh* That was totally a dream, wasn't it? :(_

_So not awesome, dude..._

_America_

America,

I'd wait a while to approach England about it; he's not happy about the France part. Rest assured, you were not dreaming; but you're not likely to get another such performance out of him soon.

And speaking of performances…ah, never mind. Just remember whose house it happened in.

You're welcome,

Hungary

_Hungary__,_

_I am so tired I almost do not have the strength to write you this letter. __Saturday night__...sacre bleu! It was most exhausting! Excellent work on plying __England__ with the wine, by the way, but when you allowed America to take him to the spare bedroom, you must have forgotten that England becomes extremely aroused when he is drunk. Although, I'll admit, a threesome is never a bad idea~_

_Aah, I'm much too tired. Shall I write you details once I can move again?_

_France_

France,

No, you don't have to send me a play-by-play; that's what the cameras were for. I'm very glad you enjoyed yourself; so did I. You're right, threesomes are more entertaining.

I'm also unusually tired today. Prussia broke into my house while I was busy setting things up for you; I ended up chasing the asshole all the way to the Middle East, I was that mad at him. I should've run him into Switzerland…he'd've taken care of the idiot and his canary for me.

And now I'm running cleanup on your adventure. England is pissed at you. If I have to spend more than a week on damage control, my fees go up. You understand. And England has mentioned that certain photos of yours would be more than sufficient payment.

Happy to do business with you,

Hungary


	35. Omake: Israel 6

The following note was attached to a large box that Hungary received in the mail on Monday morning. It contained a battered-looking albino man and an exhausted canary.

_Hungary__—_

_I think you might have lost this. It was found by one of my __border patrols__, running out of __Lebanon__ like a pack of jackals were after it._

_Shalom,_

_Israel_

_P.S.: __Canada__ called me yesterday... We're arranging to meet for coffee sometime. Just thought you might want to know._

Dear Israel,

Thank you for the package. The contents were somewhat damaged, but he's in good enough condition for target practice. *grins*

I hope you and Canada have fun!

Peace,

Hungary

**A/N:** Thank you to katzsoa (Israel), Karen Elaine DuLay (France), ILoveAnimeVeryMuch123 (England/America), and almostinsane (Austria/Italy) for making this story happen, and to everyone else who sent in letters.

Hungary's going to take a break from answering your letters…she has to pay more attention to EU bureaucratic work, and I have to pay more attention to college homework. But I will be starting a second Ask Hungary, probably in April or May; in the meantime, friends and fans, please check out the rest of my work!

Enjoy,

Alix


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